Almost 50 years ago, psychiatrists Richard Rahe and Thomas Holmes developed
an inventory of the most distressing human experiences that we could have.
Number one on the list? Death of a spouse. Number two, divorce. Three, marital
separation. Now, generally, but not always, for those three to occur, we need
what comes in number seven on the list, which is marriage.

差不多五十年前，精神病學家 理查德 · 賴特和托馬斯 · 赫姆斯列出了 一份清單，包含了我們所能
擁有的最痛苦的人類經歷。排名第一的是配偶的去世。第二：離婚。第三：婚內分居。通常是這樣，但並非總是如此， 要讓這三件事情發生，我們 需要先實現名單上的第七條，
也就是婚姻。

Fourth on the list is imprisonment in an institution. Now, some say number
seven has been counted twice.

名單上的第四條是在 監獄裡被監禁。有人會說第七條已經算了兩次。(譯者注：將婚姻比做囚牢)

I don't believe that. When the life stress inventory was built, back then, a
long-term relationship pretty much equated to a marriage. Not so now. So for the
purposes of this talk, I'm going to be including de facto relationships,
common-law marriages and same-sex marriages, or same-sex relationships soon
hopefully to become marriages. And I can say from my work with same-sex couples,
the principles I'm about to talk about are no different. They're the same across
all relationships.

對此我並不認同。在這份生活壓力清單 誕生的那個年代， 一個長期的關係 幾乎等同於婚姻。現在情況已經不同了， 為了本次演講的目的， 我將會考慮
這樣一個事實，即關係出現在 婚姻之前，而且同性婚姻 或同性關係， 希望很快會成為婚姻。基於我與若干對同性伴侶的 工作，我要談的原則 沒有什麼不同，它們
在所有關係中都是一樣的。

So in a modern society, we know that prevention is better than cure. We
vaccinate against polio, diphtheria, tetanus, whooping cough, measles. We have
awareness campaigns for melanoma, stroke, diabetes — all important campaigns.
But none of those conditions come close to affecting 45 percent of us.
Forty-five percent: that's our current divorce rate. Why no prevention campaign
for divorce?

在現代社會中，我們知道預防 勝於治療。我們接種疫苗預防脊髓灰質炎， 白喉，破傷風，百日咳，麻疹。我們還開展了關於黑色素瘤、
中風、糖尿病的宣傳活動。這些都是重要的運動， 但其中沒有一項 能影響接近45%的人口。45%。這就是 我們目前的離婚率。為什麼沒有預防離婚的運動?

Well, I think it's because our policymakers don't believe that things like
attraction and the way relationships are built is changeable or educable. Why?
Well, our policymakers currently are Generation X. They're in their 30s to 50s.
And when I'm talking to these guys about these issues, I see their eyes glaze
over, and I can see them thinking, "Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it? You
can't control the way in which people attract other people and build
relationships." Not so, our dear millennials. This is the most
information-connected, analytical and skeptical generation, making the most
informed decisions of any generation before them. And when I talk to
millennials, I get a very different reaction. They actually want to hear about
this. They want to know about how do we have relationships that last?

我認為這是因為我們的 政策制定者不相信吸引力和 建立關係的方式是可以改變的， 或者可以教育的。為什麼呢?事實上，目前我們的 政策制定者是X一代，
他們的年齡在 30 至 60 歲。當我和這些人談論這些問題時， 我看到他們一臉茫然， 很顯然他們在想：難道這個 瘋狂的精神病學家不明白嗎?你不能控制人們相互吸引
和建立關係的方式。而對我們親愛的千禧一代 來說並不是這樣。這是資訊聯絡最緊密、分析能力最強、 最具懷疑精神的一代， 相比他們之前的任何一代人，
他們能做出最明智的決定。當我和千禧一代交談時， 我得到了一個非常不同的反應。他們樂意洗耳恭聽。他們想知道我們該如何 維持長久的關係。

So for those of you who want to embrace the post- "romantic destiny" era with
me, let me talk about my three life hacks for preventing divorce. Now, we can
intervene to prevent divorce at two points: later, once the cracks begin to
appear in an established relationship; or earlier, before we commit, before we
have children. And that's where I'm going to take us now.

所以，對於那些想和我一起 擁抱後浪漫命運時代的人， 不妨聽我說說三個 防止離婚的生活技巧。現在我們仍可以在之後的兩個
時間點進行干預，以防止離婚。一旦一個既定的，或更早期的 關係出現了裂縫， 在我們承諾之前，在我們生孩子之前， 這就是我現在要討論的時期。

So my first life hack: millennials spend seven-plus hours on their devices a
day. That's American data. And some say, probably not unreasonably, this has
probably affected their face-to-face relationships. Indeed, and add to that the
hookup culture, ergo apps like Tinder, and it's no great surprise that the
20-somethings that I work with will often talk to me about how it is often
easier for them to have sex with somebody that they've met than have a
meaningful conversation.

我的第一個生活技巧：千禧一代每天花在電子裝置上的 時間達到了七小時以上。這是美國的資料，有人說， 該說法可能不無道理， 這可能會影響
他們面對面時的關係。另外，這種“牽線文化”催生了 像Tinder這樣的應用程式， 這也難怪，與我合作的 那些 20 多歲的年輕人 往往會和我談到，
相比展開一次有意義的對話， 跟遇到的人直接發生性關係， 常常更容易。

Now, some say this is a bad thing. I say this is a really good thing. It's a
particularly good thing to be having sex outside of the institution of marriage.
Now, before you go out and get all moral on me, remember that Generation X, in
the American Public Report, they found that 91 percent of women had had
premarital sex by the age of 30. Ninety-one percent. It's a particularly good
thing that these relationships are happening later. See, boomers in the '60s —
they were getting married at an average age for women of 20 and 23 for men. 2015
in Australia? That is now 30 for women and 32 for men. That's a good thing,
because the older you are when you get married, the lower your divorce rate.
Why? Why is it helpful to get married later? Three reasons.

有人說這是件壞事兒。我卻說這真是一件好事兒。在婚姻制度之外發生性關係 是件特別好的事兒。不過在你開始評論我的 道德觀之前，請記住， 在《美國公共報告》中，
他們發現X 一代中 有91%的女性在30 歲之前 有過婚前性行為，91%。這些關係在較晚的時候發生 的確是個好現象。想想看，60 年代嬰兒潮 時期出生的人們，
他們結婚時 女性平均為20 歲，男性為 23 歲。2015 年澳大利亞的資料表明， 女性婚齡推遲到了30歲，男性是32歲。這是件好事，因為你越是晚婚，
離婚率就越低。為什麼呢?為什麼晚婚會有幫助?有三個原因。

Firstly, getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce to
come into play. They are tertiary education and a higher income, which tends to
go with tertiary education. So these three factors all kind of get mixed up
together. Number two, neuroplasticity research tell us that the human brain is
still growing until at least the age of 25. So that means how you're thinking
and what you're thinking is still changing up until 25. And thirdly, and most
importantly to my mind, is personality. Your personality at the age of 20 does
not correlate with your personality at the age of 50. But your personality at
the age of 30 does correlate with your personality at the age of 50. So when I
ask somebody who got married young why they broke up, and they say, "We grew
apart," they're being surprisingly accurate, because the 20s is a decade of
rapid change and maturation.So the first thing you want to get before you get
married is older.

首先，晚婚可以讓 防止離婚的另外兩個因素 發揮作用。他們接受了高等教育，收入較高，
也往往願意與相似的人結婚。這三個因素幾乎是交織在一起的。第二：神經可塑性研究 告訴我們，人類的大腦 在 25 歲之前仍然在發育。這意味著你的思維方式
以及你所思考的事物 在 25 歲之前都是不斷變化的。第三，對我來說最重要的是人格。你在 20 歲時的人格 與 50 歲時的人格並不相關。但是你在 30
歲時的人格與 50 歲時的人格有關。所以，當我問一個早婚的人 他們為什麼分手，他們會說， “我們都變了。” 他們真是一語中的， 因為 20 多歲正是
人們迅速變化和成熟的十年。所以你在結婚前想做的 第一件事就是變老。

Number two, John Gottman, psychologist and relationship researcher, can tell
us many factors that correlate with a happy, successful marriage. But the one
that I want to talk about is a big one: 81 percent of marriages implode,
self-destruct, if this problem is present. And the second reason why I want to
talk about it here is because it's something you can evaluate while you're
dating. Gottman found that the relationships that were the most stable and happy
over the longer term were relationships in which the couple shared power. They
were influenceable: big decisions, like buying a house, overseas trips, buying a
car, having children. But when Gottman drilled down on this data, what he found
was that women were generally pretty influenceable. Guess where the problem
lay?

第二。心理學家和關係研究員 約翰 · 戈特曼可以告訴我們 許多與幸福和成功的 婚姻相關的因素。但我想談的是個很大的因素。存在這個問題的婚姻中
有80%會破裂和自我毀滅。我想在這裡談論它， 是因為你在約會時 就可以對它進行評估。戈特曼發現，在那些最穩定和辛福的
長期關係中，夫妻雙方會共享權力。他們都有一定的影響力。(在做)大決定(的時候)，比如買房子， 出國旅行，買車，生孩子。但是當戈特曼 深入研究這些資料時，
他發現女性通常都有 很大的影響力。猜猜問題在哪裡?

Yeah, there's only two options here, isn't there? Yeah, we men were to blame.
The other thing that Gottman found is that men who are influenceable also tended
to be "outstanding fathers." So women: How influenceable is your man? Men:
you're with her because you respect her. Make sure that respect plays out in the
decision-making process.

沒錯，這裡有兩個選擇。是的，責任在我們男人身上。戈特曼發現的另一件事是， 有影響力的男人 也往往是 “傑出的父親!” 那麼女士們，你的男人
有多大的影響力?先生們：你和她在一起，因為你尊重她。請確保你在做決定時 也會帶著這樣的尊重。

Number three. I'm often intrigued by why couples come in to see me after
they've been married for 30 or 40 years. This is a time when they're approaching
the infirmities and illness of old age. It's a time when they're particularly
focused on caring for each other. They'll forgive things that have bugged them
for years. They'll forgive all betrayals, even infidelities, because they're
focused on caring for each other. So what pulls them apart? The best word I have
for this is reliability, or the lack thereof. Does your partner have your back?
It takes two forms. Firstly, can you rely on your partner to do what they say
they're going to do? Do they follow through? Secondly, if, for example, you're
out and you're being verbally attacked by somebody, or you're suffering from a
really disabling illness, does your partner step up and do what needs to be done
to leave you feeling cared for and protected? And here's the rub: if you're
facing old age, and your partner isn't doing that for you — in fact, you're
having to do that for them — then in an already-fragile relationship, it can
look a bit like you might be better off out of it rather than in it.

第三。我常常很好奇，為什麼那些夫妻 在結婚了三四十年之後才來找我。在這段時期，他們正在經歷 高齡帶來的衰弱和疾病， 也正是在這段時期，
他們特別專注於彼此照顧。他們會原諒多年來困擾他們的事。他們會原諒舊日的背叛甚至不忠，
因為他們專注於彼此關懷。那麼是什麼把他們分開了呢?對此，我能想到的最恰當的詞 是可靠性，或缺乏可靠性。你的伴侶支援你嗎?支援有兩種形式。首先，你相信你的伴侶
會說到做到嗎?他們會堅持到底嗎?其次，比如說，如果 你出門在外被人用言辭羞辱， 或者你患有一種 讓你生活無法自理的疾病， 你的伴侶是否會做出相應的行動，
讓你感到被人照顧和保護?這就是問題所在。如果你已步入暮年，而你的伴侶 並沒有做到這些，事實上 你反而不得不為他們這樣做， 而你們的關係已經脆弱不堪，
看上去脫離這段關係對你來說更好。

So is your partner there for you when it really matters? Not all the time, 80
percent of the time, but particularly if it's important to you. On your side,
think carefully before you commit to do something for your partner. It is much
better to commit to as much as you can follow through than to commit to more
sound-good-in-the-moment and then let them down. And if it's really important to
your partner, and you commit to it, make sure you move hell and high water to
follow through.

在重要的時候， 你的伴侶會陪著你嗎?我不是說所有的時間，80%的 時間，特別是在很重要的事情上。對你來說， 在你對伴侶做出承諾前要三思而行。能夠量力而行的
做出承諾，相比 當時信誓旦旦，後來卻 讓他們失望要好得多。如果這對你的伴侶非常重要， 並且你已經做出了承諾， 請確保你無論如何都要兌現諾言。

Now, these are things that I'm saying you can look for. Don't worry, these
are also things that can be built in existing relationships.I believe that the
most important decision that you can make is who you choose as a life partner,
who you choose as the other parent of your children. And of course, romance has
to be there. Romance is a grand and beautiful and quirky thing. But we need to
add to a romantic, loving heart an informed, thoughtful mind, as we make the
most important decision of our life.Thank you.

這些就是你可以審視的東西。不過別擔心，這些也可以 在現有的關係中建立。我認為，你可以做出的最重要的決定 就是選擇誰作為生活伴侶，
選擇誰作為孩子的另一個家長。當然，浪漫不能少， 浪漫是一件盛大，美麗 而又神奇的事情。但當我們做出生命中 最重要的決定時， 還要懷有一顆浪漫的，充滿愛的心，
以及一個理解的， 體貼周到的頭腦。謝謝大家。