別碰她、別AA制,至少見五次:相親約會成功指南|《華爾街日報》

2025年2月14日情人節前夕,《華爾街日報》釋出了一篇由美國知名愛情顧問Aleeza Ben Shalom所寫得相親建議。
文章的標題是:Don’t Touch, Don’t Go Dutch and Other Tips for Dating Success
現刊登出來分享給大家。文末附帶了翻譯。不想看英文的可直接下滑。
Don’t Touch, Don’t Go Dutch and Other Tips for Dating Success
| Aleeza Ben Shalom |2025年2月13日 | 603字
Forget falling in love at first sight. On the eve of Valentine’s Day, a professional matchmaker offers advice for successful dating.
We all know stories of “love at first sight.” We’ve seen them in movies and heard them in love songs. Maybe we even know a couple who caught a glimpse of each other across a crowded room and BAM!—a chemical reaction. The prevailing narrative of instant love (just add water!) is one that most people try to recreate when they’re looking for a partner—then they wonder why they’re still single.
The idea that bells will ring and angels sing the moment you meet the right person is something I call “Disney dating.” I get the appeal. Even I can’t resist when Aladdin melts at the first sight of Jasmine in the marketplace. But it is a cop-out, a way of saying, “My only job is to recognize my person when he magically appears.” It absolves people of responsibility and tricks them into mistaking physical attraction for love.
As a matchmaker and dating coach, I can confidently say that a lasting love demands far more than whatever you see in that first moment. It can and should be cultivated intentionally, like a good habit. This may sound unsexy, but the results have the potential to last much longer than a 90-minute cartoon.
This is the advice I give to everyone who comes to me in the hopes of finding a good match.
Date ‘Em ‘Til You Hate ‘Em
OK, I don’t mean you should actually hate someone, just that you should continue dating until you are 100% sure this is definitely not your person. Everyone asks me: “But how will I know?” Well, when you’re sure, you’re sure. If you don’t know, you are in fact not sure—and you should keep dating.
When done right, dating is simply gathering information. Because it takes time to even begin scratching the surface of who this other person might be and who they might be with you, I tell my clients to commit to a minimum of five dates with someone. And if after five dates you’re still not sure? When in doubt, go out.
Hands-Off Dating
This tip usually raises eyebrows, but try to avoid any physical intimacy for the first five dates. Love may or may not be blind, but touch is certainly blinding. Introducing it too early can trick you into thinking there’s a relationship that doesn’t exist yet. I’ve seen physical chemistry lead too many people to ignore red flags, or even basic incompatibility, because their bodies were already off and running.
“How will I know if it works in the bedroom if I don’t, you know, try it out?” If I had a dollar for every time I was asked this question, I’d cruise to Cyprus with my family on our own private yacht. My clients often approach dating with an intense focus on sexual compatibility—otherwise, they’re out. But they’re selling themselves short. Going to bed with someone you’re just getting to know is like reading the third page of a novel. You might enjoy it, but it’s nothing compared to the last chapter, after you’ve spent hours investing in the characters and getting swept up by the plot.
Most people will be happy to respect your boundaries if you communicate them with kindness and courtesy. If someone pushes back, that will tell you a lot about who they are. Date six, when done right, is electric. If you make it that far, you’ll know that both of you are there for the right reasons.
Intentional Intimacy
My clients typically assume chemistry should be instantaneous and effortless. My job is to disabuse them, to let them know that chemistry is actually something they can activate for themselves. This is good news: Instead of waiting around for sparks, you can try to light them.
The best ways to do this are simple, if not necessarily easy. First, put your phone away. You are allowed to look at it zero times on a date. Instead, look your date in the eyes, address him or her by name, ask questions, listen to the answers and follow up. I’m often surprised by just how many people don’t quite appreciate the value of attention.
Many of my clients seem to assume that it’s better to be aloof instead of vulnerable, that they should be playing hard to get. This is a mistake. A game of hide and seek may be fun in the short term, but it rarely serves those who are looking for an actual relationship with a grown-up. Challenge yourself to be authentically you. With the right person, this works.
Splitting the Bill Splits the Connection
Call me old-fashioned, but I think one person should cover the whole bill. Whether it’s $1 or $100, paying for someone communicates your investment in them because you value their time and company. It’s a way to bridge the gap between two hopeful, nervous, fact-finding individuals. 
This shouldn’t be about power or gender; the same person shouldn’t have to pay every time. But the gesture is an expression of openness and optimism and can go a long way toward rewarding the vulnerability of simply showing up.
End It on a High Note
Don’t burn bridges. Even if this person isn’t your person, they have given you their time and energy, so make sure to thank them. Maybe you’ll know someone better for them. Maybe they’ll have a friend who’s better for you. Keep it classy, and they’ll keep you in mind.
Every date, even with the wrong person, can leave you with valuable information about yourself: who you are, what you want in your partner. Try to focus on the process instead of the outcome, and I guarantee you’ll come out of it with at least one great relationship: the one you have with yourself. 
下為全文翻譯
我們總聽說“一見鍾情”的故事。電影裡演過,情歌裡唱過,甚至有人聲稱在擁擠的房間中對視一眼便“天雷勾動地火”。這種“瞬間愛上”的敘事讓許多人在擇偶時試圖復刻同樣的魔法,然後困惑為何自己依然單身。  
我將這種“遇見對的人時鈴聲大作、天使合唱”的幻想稱為“迪士尼式約會”。我理解它的吸引力——就連我也無法抗拒《阿拉丁》中主角對茉莉公主一見傾心的橋段。但這本質上是一種逃避,潛臺詞是:“我的任務只是等待那個命中註定的人從天而降。”它讓人推卸責任,誤將生理吸引當作愛情。  
作為婚戀顧問,我可以肯定地說:長久的愛情遠不止初見時的悸動。它需要像培養好習慣一樣,透過“刻意經營”來建立。這聽起來或許不夠浪漫,但結果可能比一部90分鐘的動畫更持久。  
以下是我給所有渴望找到真愛的人的建議:  
1. 約會到“下頭”為止
當然,我並非要你真的厭惡對方,而是建議持續約會,直到你100%確定對方不適合你。總有人問我:“我該如何判斷?”答案很簡單——如果你不確定,那就是還沒到確定的時候。請繼續約會。  
有效的約會本質上是資訊收集。因為了解一個人(以及他們與你相處的可能性)需要時間。我建議客戶至少與對方約會五次。如果五次後仍不確定?那就繼續約。  
2. 前五次約會,保持身體距
這條建議常引人側目,但請儘量避免前五次約會的肢體接觸。愛情或許是盲目的,但身體接觸會徹底矇蔽判斷力。過早親密會讓你誤以為關係已足夠深入。我見過太多人因身體火花而忽視危險訊號,甚至無視基本的不合拍,只因他們已“箭在弦上”。  
總有人反問:“不上床怎麼知道是否和諧?”如果每次被問都能賺一美元,我早就能帶全家乘遊艇去塞普勒斯度假了。許多客戶過分關注性吸引力,否則直接放棄。但這無異於自我貶低——與剛認識的人發生關係,就像直接翻到小說第三頁:或許有趣,但遠不及通讀全書後對結局的深刻共鳴。  
若你禮貌溝通界限,大多數人會尊重你。若對方施壓,那本身已說明問題。若你們能走到第六次約會,且仍保持得體,這段關係便值得期待。  
3. 主動創造火花
客戶常以為“化學反應”必須自然發生。我的任務是打破這種幻想——火花是可以主動點燃的。  
方法很簡單(儘管不易做到):  
放下手機:約會時一次都不要看手機。  
注視對方眼睛,用名字稱呼TA,提問、傾聽並追問細節。  
拒絕欲擒故縱:故作冷漠或許短期有趣,但成年人的真誠關係不需要這種遊戲。  
4. 別讓AA制分割聯結
說我老派吧——我認為應由一方支付整筆賬單。無論是1美元還是100美元,主動買單傳遞的資訊是:“我重視你的時間和陪伴。”這是兩位緊張而滿懷期待的陌生人之間建立聯結的橋樑。  
這與權力或性別無關,也無需固定由某方買單。但這個舉動展現的開放態度,能讓“鼓起勇氣赴約”的脆弱感得到溫暖的回應。 
5. 體面結束,留有餘地
即使對方不適合你,也請感謝TA付出的時間和精力。或許未來你會為TA介紹更適合的人,或TA的朋友正是你的理想伴侶。保持風度,對方自會記得你的好。  
最後的話
每次約會(即使物件最終證明不合適)都能讓你更瞭解自己:你是誰?你需要怎樣的伴侶?關注過程而非結果,我保證你至少會收穫一段重要關係——你與自己的關係
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