懺悔錄Confessions|BookⅣChapter6討厭的生活

BookⅣ Chapter6

討厭的生活

But what speak I of these things, for now is no time to question, but to confess unto Thee. Wretched I was; and wretched is every soul bound by the friendship of perishable things; he is torn asunder when he loses them, and then he feels the wretchedness which he had ere yet he lost them. So was it then with me; I wept most bitterly, and found my repose in bitterness. Thus was I wretched, and that wretched life I held dearer than my friend. For though I would willingly have changed it, yet was I more unwilling to part with it than with him; yea, I know not whether I would have parted with it even for him, as is related (if not feigned) of Pylades and Orestes, that they would gladly have died for each other or together, not to live together being to them worse than death. But in me there had arisen some unexplained feeling, too contrary to this, for at once I loathed exceedingly to live and feared to die. I suppose, the more I loved him, the more did I hate, and fear (as a most cruel enemy) death, which had bereaved me of him: and I imagined it would speedily make an end of all men, since it had power over him. Thus was it with me, I remember.

我為何要說這些話？現在不是提問題的時候，而是向你懺悔的時候。那時我真不幸。任何人，凡愛好死亡的事物的，都是不幸的：一旦喪失，便會心痛欲裂。其實在喪失之前，痛苦早已存在，不過尚未感覺到而已。那時我的心境是如此。我滿腹辛酸而痛哭，我停息在痛苦之中。我雖則如此痛苦，但我愛我這不幸的生命，過於愛我的朋友。因為我雖則希望改變我的生命，但我不願喪失我的生命，寧願喪失朋友；我不知道我那時是否肯為了他而取法傳說中的奧萊斯得斯和彼拉得斯，如果不是虛構的話，他們兩人願意同生同死，不能同生，則不如同死。但當時我的內心產生了一種與此完全相反的情緒：一面我極度厭倦生活，一面卻害怕死。我相信我當時越愛他，便越憎恨、越害怕死亡，死亡搶走了我的朋友，死亡猶如一個最殘酷的敵人，既然吞噬了他，也能突然吞下全人類。我記得我當時的思想如此。

Behold my heart, O my God, behold and see into me; for well I remember it, O my Hope, who cleansest me from the impurity of such affections, directing mine eyes towards Thee, and plucking my feet out of the snare. For I wondered that others, subject to death, did live, since he whom I loved, as if he should never die, was dead; and I wondered yet more that myself, who was to him a second self, could live, he being dead. Well said one of his friend, "Thou half of my soul"; for I felt that my soul and his soul were "one soul in two bodies": and therefore was my life a horror to me, because I would not live halved. And therefore perchance I feared to die, lest he whom I had much loved should die wholly.

這是我的心，我的上帝啊，我的內心是如此；請看我的記憶。你是我的希望，你清除了我情感的汙穢，使我的眼睛轉向你，你解除了絆住我雙足的羅網。那時，我奇怪別人為什麼活著，既然我所愛的、好像不會死亡的好友已經死去；我更奇怪的是他既然死去，而我，另一個他，卻還活著。某一詩人論到自己的朋友時，說得很對，稱朋友如“自己靈魂的一半”[11]。我覺得我的靈魂和他的靈魂不過是一個靈魂在兩個軀體之中，因此，生命為我成為可怖的，因為我不願一半活著，也可能我因此害怕死，害怕我所熱愛的他整個死去。